Joe Soucheray = Asshole

This sack of crap works for local Paper Pioneer Press, his contact info is below. Why not give him a call?


Joe Soucheray: Not cold nor sludge can stop the morons
By Joe Soucheray

Updated: 12/27/2008 10:20:27 PM CST


The commuting bicyclists are still out there, evidently sharing the work ethic of rural mail carriers, cowboys and Alaskan fishermen in small boats. Nothing stops them. Their numbers have dwindled, but those who remain dutifully bend into the wind and then, ridiculously, try to keep the machine upright in the worst of all possible conditions.

Sludge is what we are featuring now, that greasy stew of sand, salt, ice and water, all of it brown and flecking the leggings of determined bikers.

GET OFF THE STREETS, YOU MORONS!

OK, that might be a bit harsh, especially coming from me, as I have made my peace with the two-wheelers. But how about this? If bicyclists get to use the streets in the winter, then how about other forms of transportation also get to use the streets in the winter?

Now, in the summer, a bicyclist can reasonably share the street and we motorists should just as reasonably share the streets with the cyclist, yes, even if they are wearing tight shorts and Italian racing jerseys. It is always important to remember that at home, they too have a Chevy Suburban and a worn-out video of "Breaking Away.''

But in the winter, a cyclist is a menace to himself and to the motorist. Patrick Reusse, the plain-speaking sports columnist with the Enemy Paper, reported to me by telephone the following as he was heading to a Wild game the other night:

"Hey, what's with these bikers on Summit?''

"They are still out there,'' I replied.

"Well, if

They fall down in front of me, I will run over them in their snowmobile suits and squash them like a bug.''
"That's dramatic.''

"Oh, I'll call 911 and tell them where the body is, but I ain't stoppin'."

I share his frustration. I imagine we all do. It must be a combination of extreme poverty, misplaced virtue, environmental theology, stubbornness and a contrarian nature that compels the winter bicyclist to navigate the rutted shoulder, or worse, just take up a lane and slow down the cars. I will not accept exercise as an excuse. What I witness is not exercise, but an improbable balancing act that mimics the first wobbly ride as a child.

As I was saying, if they get to be out there, then, say, snowmobiles should be allowed. Personally, I think it would be great to be able to use a snowmobile in the city, as they were, clandestinely, during the Halloween blizzard of 1991. It would be good for the economy, too, because some of the dealers — maybe they are getting relief this winter — still have sleds in the crates from five years ago. And snowmobiles are lit to automotive standards, while your typical biker has a little miner's lamp attached to his helmet, spilling at best a rheumy drool of light. For a taillight, the biker uses what appears to be a blinking red clown nose.

Or, how about DN iceboats? "DN" stands for Detroit News. They are small iceboats, 12 feet long with an 8-foot beam, with one sail. It is hard to remember, but newspapers must have been so important back in the day that boats were actually named for them, in this case as a result of a design contest the Detroit News sponsored in 1936. These babies are fast and maneuverable, and think of the money we could save by not plowing or salting the streets.

At the very least, the cyclists themselves could get inventive by removing the wheels and attaching blades or skis. And then, copying a DaVinci architectural doodling, they could rig a mast and some sails and ropes and pulleys and go surfing down Summit well ahead of Reusse and the rest of us who have accepted the reality of winter and continue to favor automobiles and trucks with working heaters.

Joe Soucheray can be reached at jsoucheray@pioneerpress.com or 651-228-5474. Soucheray is heard from 2 to 5:30 p.m. daily on KSTP-AM 1500.